Life in the Peanut Gallery

It happened like this - I was browing craigslist and I saw that someone was advertising part of a sectional sofa. It reminded me of Chet's monstrous sectional sofa he used to have. The corner seat was broken and it was pretty old so when he moved he just trashed it. But seeing the ad made me think of the sofa, which made me think of our first days together. And I realized that the newness never went away. Each time is like the first time, which is not to say that I haven't gotten comfortable with him, I was always comfortable with him. Or maybe it's new because we're on and off. Who knows. In that moment it hit me, that I really do love him, more than I'll probably ever understand and for reasons I'll never really know. That this is where it ends, with him. I could fight it all my life, try to talk myself out of it, but it is what it is. And I like that. :)

I agree with Sare, they need better animations... like "drinking until I can't feel my hair" :p Though I did like that they had a kitty who looks so much like Stella! (the animation is just rocking back and forth while hugging the kitty witty)

So here is a rant. It's just not fucking fair. I'm out this weekend and everyone but Brynne has a ring and she's a heck of a lot closer to getting one than I am. And I'm not that girl...I wasn't one who had to get married, but after meeting someone who I really really really really really wanted to spend my life with, with whom I could be happy, have the same playful bond that I see Vicky and Steve, and Brynne and Rob and Heather and Sam all have I am just that girl. I'm not jealous of my friends, I couldn't be happier for them. I think it's awesome they are all taking this step. But I am sad. He said he wanted to be with me - he followed through on that really well. I am discouraged - why doesn't it work out for me? I paid my damn dues - I had a dude dick me over for my married friend! I have dealt with a lot of shit... why can't it just work out for me once? Just one time - why couldn't he have been it? And not it in a few years when maybe he grows up and gets his head out of his ass, why can't that be now? I was single for years, I sowed my oats... I'm ready for something real. The clock has started ticking... I'm getting closer to 30... I want kids and I'd prefer to be married when I have them. I don't want to start late. I would like to get married by the time I'm 30. I'd like to have my first baby around 34.

We were supposed to be getting our own condo and living together about now. And it's damn hard to be sitting here alone with Stella, instead of with my boy, and it's not that I don't love Stella, or my friends, but there's a void there that I didn't have before. Before him I didn't miss having a boyfriend, I didn't feel like I was missing something. Before him I didn't even think I wanted to get married. And now that that dream has been crushed, at least for now... I just don't know. It just hurts. It's a weird sort of nagging pain I've never had before. I try to be happy and i am in spurts, but the moment something isn't occupying my mind I'm hurting again. I hate myself for even wanting him to prove himself, for even considering ever again speaking to him. I hate myself for not getting over this and for letting it effect me. I hate that I'm so weak I cry about it, that it makes my stomach knot up.

Sometimes it hurts so much I wish I could turn back time and make it so I never met him. And I never wanted to have that feeling b/c it is not a nice feeling to have.

And that's my rant.

I feel like I haven't updated in a while, so here goes.

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Okay, I'd just like to say how I love the media puts two and two together, gets four and think they're so smart. I was watching the news this AM about the thwarted terrorist attacks and one of the anchors was talking to some terror analyst (with a private org not the gov't) and says "This has the foot print of Al-Quaida on it." REALLY?! You don't say! Well gosh, I thought this was a plot by the Hari Krishnas... they're always at the airports and all. *smacks hand on forehead*

So July was a rough month and August not much better. I threw up my hands and walked away from Chet again after he said if I wanted to get married for the sake of getting married I should just marry an illegal immigrant. Because obvioulsy I"m so undesirable only green card seekers would want to marry me. Please. Some drama at work left me hanging by a thread. The apartment situation with the roaches. So I kind of hit this point in my life where it seems like if I want to relocate it's a good time.

I have thought over the years, particularly after I joined the hotel, that I should take a job somewhere else just to have that experience, since I've only ever lived in MD. And now would be the time, before I have kids in tow. But I always go back and forth... as much as I feel restless, I like being near my friends and family.

Then my friend Katy mentioned taking a job in Denver, and I thought, well if I moved out there at least I know two people there and that wouldn't be as bad as knowing no one... then one thing led to another and I had signed onto some email alerts for other hotel chains. Just to see what was out there and what I was qualified for.

And then there was a position very similar to mine at a hotel in Denver.

Hm... is that a sign?

I was reading an interesting article online about solo travel for women. I think I'd be game for a solo vacation, albeit a short one. :p It suggested visiting tangodiva.com to take a quiz which would use your results to give you your top 5 solo travel destinations.

Mine:
Russia
Egypt
Dover, England
Norfolk, VA
Captiva Island, FL

Based on equal high preferences for culture and weather. Now I've been to Norfolk several times... nothing outstanding about the culture and the weather there!!!

Captiva Island is the only of those I'd go on vacation to. I wouldn't mind visiting England, but that would definitely be a sight-seeing trip, not one I consider a vacation. To me vacation is white sandy beaches, turquoise waters and frosty drinks. But Russia or Egypt on my own? I think not.

Woke up today and the ringing had not gone away, and was now joined by pain, dizziness and nausea. So I consult webmd, 'cause where else do you turn when you need medical advice. :p Hm... webmd says to see a doctor. Surely it can't be that bad... so I call over to a general practice clinic at GWU hospital. The woman I spoke with, who was pretty short with me, said that I needed to be seen immediately and they didn't have any openings at their urgent care clinic (uh... if it's urgent care, how do you not have openings for urgent care?) so I would need to go to the ER. She snippily added "you should have gone to the ER last night!" I'm thinking, okay it doesn't hurt that bad, it's more annoying than anything... and I try to ask but I keep getting cut off. Time for a second opinion.

I lucked out and found a doctor who took walk ins and was open until 6 (also turned out to be the hotel's house doctor) so I figured I'd go over there, explain the problem and see what they thought. And got seen right away.

The doc said he's never heard of something like this. Truly a freak accident. Go me. My eardrum is not ruptured and he couldn't see any perforation, but apparently my ear canal is twisted so he said he's not entirely comfortable with the exam he could get, and suggested I go see a specialist tomorrow if nothing improves. I keep thinking the ringing has gone away but then I realize I"m just learning to ignore it. Unfortunately there's not a damn thing I can do... my eardrum got hurt and threw off my inner ear which is causing the vertigo and motion sick feeling.

Seriously only I would have this happen because of a freaking thunderstorm. :p

So the Fourth was good... went to Mom's and we went out for tasty crabs. The storms cancelled the fireworks show, but it's all good b/c I got back here and a couple of people in the area are shooting them off, so I still got a show. :p

Annoying thing... during the storm lightning struck really close to the house and I was sitting near a window. The thunder was so loud it made my ears ring and they haven't stopped ringing since!

Ok, and in case anyone was thinking about using it, I must pass on my experiences with Veet, that hair removal stuff. Kinda works like Nair, but you use a bladeless razor to take it off and it claims to leave your legs smoother days longer than shaving. I have fairly normal hair, not super coarse or fine and I don't have sensitive skin. So I get the stuff and put it on - thicker than Nair, less messy and way less smelly (kinda smells like the Scrubbing Bubbles kind of bathroom cleaner). Doesn't itch while it's on like Nair and after the stated 3 minutes the finer hair on my upper thighs was ready to come off. The slightly coarser hair on my calves needed a few more (you're not supposed to leave it on beyond 6 mins) The razor made it easier to take off than Nair, however is a pain in the ass b/c you have to rinse it after every swipe. I did it right before getting into the shower so my legs could get plenty good and rinsed off. They were noticeably smoother than when I shaved... however did not look so smooth. On one thigh I had a smattering of blisters that subsided after a day, just leaving a bunch of tiny red scratches that are still there after almost a week. One of Veet's purported benefits over shaving is no nicks or cuts b/c it's a bladeless razor... well all of my shaving related nicks/cuts have healed in less time! Then on my calves you could see stubble, but not feel it. I don't know if this was something in the depilation, if the root didn't get fully dissolved or what, but it looked like I needed to shave. My upper thighs, aside from the blistering, were definitely smoother than when I shave, but neither calves nor thighs stayed smoother any longer than when I shave. I definitely needed to do something again within 2 days. So I tried the Veet one last time, this time just on my legs, but the result was still the same. By late the next day I had prickles. I also tried using it on my underarms and bikini area with no success whatsoever. Since that hair is thicker than my legs I left it on the full 6 mins and when I ran the razor over those areas only a small amount of hair came off. And this was my normal hair growth, wasn't like I'd gone a long time w/o shaving. After removing all the veet and rinsing, I attempted to shave my underarms, but the hair wouldn't budge! It wasn't until the following day that I was able to remove the hair. Same with my bikini area. I've got enough left after that to do my legs one more time, judging by the weight of the can. For $8.99 I got three "shaves" from that can of Veet, far less than I'd get out of one razor from an $8.99 four pack of cartridges for my razor. (I use the Venus Vibrance and swear by it, best razor ever). So yeah... don't use Veet!!

I heart RCN. I called yesterday b/c my promotional deals had ended and my bill was crazy high for what I was getting. It was my own fault for not staying on top of it and calling sooner. So I call and tell the dude I need to change to full basic cable instead of the digital I have now, and I want to throw in a phone line. He tells me my bill is so high b/c I'm paying for cable and internet "a la carte" instead of a bundled service. Long story short, he gives me a $20 off per month discount for the next year, which allowed me to keep my digital cable, and he threw in free long distance for a year. I switched to RCN from Comcrap when I moved and they have been such a joy to use... absolutely no cable or internet issues (any issues I've had have been my compy and not my connection), they came when they said they would...when they set up my cable the first time my time frame was 2-5 and he showed up at 4. This time I got a Saturday time slot! They just give you this amazing sense that they are there to serve you. :p Just a relief after stupid comcast. If I ever move it's going to be a place with RCN service, 'cause I refuse to use Comcast ever again!

My God what a week...

And that's really all I have to say.

I keep dreaming about this funeral. Friday night I dreamt I went and it was in a big huge place, with a chapel and a reception area and everyone was running around getting things set up. I was waiting for Heather and trying to be helpful while trying to avoid his friends. I went into one room and saw Zoe, she was wearing all yellow. I left that room and saw Heather coming out of a bathroom, wearing a lavendar suit. We went into the chapel and we made our way down the aisle towards the casket and halfway down I lost it and started crying and couldn't get any closer. Heather kept nudging me along and I saw Zoe coming down the aisle behind us but I woke up before I ever looked in the casket. I know yellow is a dual color, it can either symbolize happiness or cowardice. In the context of being on Zoe, I wonder if it's symbolic of the conflict I feel about her, how I am afraid to meet her in person but the happiness I'm going to feel once I do and get that over with. Lavendar is a compassionate color, so it makes sense to see it on Heather and immediately after I saw Zoe. Churches are usually a symbol of needing guidance, but I wonder if that's still applicable since in the context of the dream it only made sense to be at a church. But I guess i am seeking guidance since I haven't a clue what to do when it comes to that boy. Caskets are a symbol the need to end situations or relationships, but can also show new opportunities. I'm wondering if that's related to Zoe or Chet though, since I never actually saw or mentioned Chet in the dream, the focal person was Zoe. So I guess it's just a sign that this conflict with Zoe may actually be coming to a close. Because really if I show up and am polite to her, make an effort to introduce myself and take the high road, what the fuck is she going to say about me? "Oh that psycho bitch said it was nice to meet me?"

Last night's dream was more gruesome, I got to the church (definitely less church looking than the previous dream) and Chet's friends were all around the coffin, pulling off fingers. I was horrified that this was happening, but he was sitting to the side seemingly unaware and I didn't want to start shit and say something to him, so I left. I didn't know what to amke of the finger, and when I looked it up I only got reference to your own fingers, not someone else's. However, this was interesting: "If you dream that your fingers fall off, then it suggests that you are letting a situation dominate you or dictate how you behave." So I'm wondering if that's just indicative of my feeling that his friends have too much influence on him?

So is it so wrong if, coming home alone at 1:30am, I don't want to let in the shady dude loitering outside my building, who can't even move to let me get to where I can buzz in b/c he's too busy leering at my tits? Uh yeah, you obviously don't have keys, and maybe I'd give you the benefit of the doubt if you weren't so busy leering. I wasn't as much of a bitch about it as I could have been, I just asked if he lived there, and he said yeah, so I asked where his keys were, and he said he didn't have them. So I ended it with "well you know we're not supposed to just let people into the building." I didn't shut him out, I just went in and he just stood there holding the door staring... all while I went to check my mail and then get in the elevator. Ok, what the hell? Obviously if you're not being shady you wouldn't care. And uh, can you not stand there holding the front door open so any crackhead can run in? I mean we do have a small park-ish area in front of the building where some homeless people congregate, including the one woman I think I may have caught in the middle of a drug deal in the basement one night.

I"m still creeped out by the stare down in the doorway. Don't get what that is about, but I feel like if he really lived in the building he'd understand. When my entry key wasn't working, and one of my neighbors questioned me about tailgating I had no problem with her not wanting to let me in and was glad of it - I did show her that I had keys, and they weren't working and she was satisfied with that and let me in. But I wasn't offended! I think if he weren't leering I would have been more sympathetic, but his leering made me uncomfortable.

I just get so annoyed b/c of the nature of this neighborhood. There are many things I like about it, but I hate the men around here. I find that when I'm walking around I keep my eyes to the ground and my arms crossed tightly over my chest, b/c they leer and catcall as it is, and God forbid if I look up, then it's on. They make kissy noises, growl at me, stand in front of me and stare me down... k, none of that is a turn-on. That is making me want to kick you in the groin and run.

But that's my rant. :p

It's so amazing to actually have honest discussions with Chet. Amazing and yet difficult, in many ways it makes me love him a lot more, and realize how strangely alike we are. I guess I can't accurately explain this and I realize that most people must think I'm out of my mind. I'm so so so so SO happy that he's thinking about things and working on things and talking about things.

I was so ready to be done. I can't say 100% what I want right now. More time, more space is in order I guess. I'm spending a lot of time thinking about what I need and what I want in any relationship. I'm thinking about a relationship objectively, not one with him per se. If I don't, I won't think about it clearly.

It was good though, to want to be over it, to get that distance emotionally and physically. Because now I can say that I do miss him. When it was good it was all I wanted. Just the bad tended to be so over the top. But it's great 'cause we're figuring out why.

I'm really quite tired. It's 8:30 and I can't keep my eyes open.

And I decided I want a pink scooter. Just gotta find one for less than 3 grand. It'd be so much easier to get around with one, 'cause you can park them anywhere!

I read this Anais Nin quote today - "Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes one feel as you might when a drowning man holds unto you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic."

I know I strangled Chet with my panic... looking back I think of all the times I unnecessarily spazzed out. There were definitely times where my spazzing out was completely warranted... but my God some of the things I'd flip out about. But I did feel very anxious and fearful, and not due to anything he did or didn't do. I just feel like sometimes my brain doesn't work right. You know, when we first got back together and he was doting on me and spending a lot of time with me and putting me before everything, I'd still worry about the randomest things. Shit, it's always been this way, even from the beginning... it's like him being in love with me was so unfathomable I had to somehow rationalize that he wasn't really and then I questioned it. I wonder if that was as exhausting for him as it was for me.

Well I talked a good game and as much as I wanted to convince myself I was, I'm just not over the boy and I really do miss him. On top of that he really is trying... like really trying... like taking alone time to sort things out trying and he never did that before. But I still don't know what I want. He does make me really happy... but then there's all the frustration that comes from his friends. And he's such an idiot... but at least he's owned up to that.

I'm still taking the time and space... I need it, he said he needs it... I don't know what's going to happen or what I want to happen. I just wasn't prepared for this version of him, I haven't seen it before but thought and hoped it might be buried in there. Was this a wake up call for him? I never thought I'd see him actually fight for me... actually try to make it better.

I wasn't going to see him for the summer, but we hung out Tuesday b/c i felt like it'd be better to talk and then see. Definitely still minimal hang out this summer but we'll hang out occaisionally and that'll be good, I can reassess the situation.

There are ifs, big ifs that need to be resolved. But he's working on them... he's trying to figure out solutions instead of ignoring the issues in the hopes that answer will magically appear. And when we don't fight he really does do the things I need him to... I just lost sight of that b/c we'd been so bumpy in the two weeks before our breakup. I guess I forgot what a good time we have when we're just us.

I keep thinking a line from the BNL song "Lovers in a Dangerous Time" that goes "Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight/Gotta kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight."

Here's what went down last night... the fire trucks et al were still around when I finally drifted off at 6am. But at least I had a place to drift off at and wasn't forced out of my home...

http://www.wtop.com/?nid=25&sid=805193

This is shaping up to be a bizarre night...

3am, get woken up by a loud horn. Look outside there is a car full of high school-ish girls yelling and screaming, but I figure they're just lost and being young girls and freaking out. Only then the one keeps yelling "he drove off! he drove off!" The girls get out of the car and start looking at the back passenger side... appeared to be some kind of hit and run. Wondered if I should get dressed and go offer help but a cabbie came along and the police showed up a bit later. I got up for some water then laid down to go back to sleep.

Only then I hear more sirens. Lots more sirens. Way too many for a hit-and-run fender bender. Get up and look out the window- there are all sorts of fire trucks lighting up the street. They are up one block and over what looks like two blocks over from my apartment building. At least 8 fire trucks, then 2 suburbans that say "safety patrol", 2 hazmat trucks, the fire cheif's car and an ambulance. As I watch a police man come and stops traffic in front of my buiding, detouring them around the area. There is lots of black and white smoke in the sky over an area diagonal from my building. And there are hazmat trucks and soemone talking on a megaphone but i can't make out what they are saying. So now I'm wondering what the deal with the hazmats is and am I going to get evacuated? Then the news trucks show up, but oddly left a short time later. Dunno if the police made them move b/c it wasn't like they showed up and the action stopped, the road is still blocked off. Hopped on here to see if any of the news sites had some info, but no. Don't think they're going to evacuate us, but hell if I know what's going on.

And looks like I'm probably not getting back to sleep anytime soon.

Aside from this I've had a good weekend. Went to Dewey beach with Katy today and got some sun... and burned. Not too bad, but worse than I first thought. It's a little uncomfortable but by Tuesday should have faded to a nice tan. Yay! Brynne came up Saturday and we did a lot of drinking. Ouch.

Emailed Chet and told him I can't see him just yet (we were making plans to hang out sometime in mid-June). I told him I need a break for the summer from seeing and talking to him. I really miss him. (I know, I'm a moron) I just gotta figure out if I miss him or if I miss him out of habit or what the fuck I'm doing. This is just really hard... I guess I'm hoping that somehow everything will magically work itself out this summer and after labor day everything will be as it should. Dunno what his take on that will be. But I think it will be good for us to miss each other. We've never gone so long wihtout seeing each other. I dunnooooo.....

As for the other prospect...I gotta say I'm irritated in that department. I'll post the details in a friends-only post.

And that's about it. Guess I'll try and get a little more sleep.

I finally got the place cleaned and put back together and I love it. It turned out so good. Yeah, I still have some touch-ups to do and trim to finish but I'm happy with it. And it looks so much bigger now, b/c it's been so messy for so long. My little kitty is definitely a happier girl now that her house is clean, she's been running around and playing with her toys all evening. Oh and Sarah - she loves that mousie you got her! It's so cute, sometimes when I go to bed she'll bring it up on the bed with her and play with it there!

Game was fun, even if the O's lost. Dress shopping was fun, though the dress we found that we all liked best isn't anything I would have imagined us all liking. As always the weekend was too short and I don't want to go to work tomorrow. :p

I am definitely wiped out. In the good way though.

Other than that I feel like I'm in la la land. Very surreal feeling... hard to explain. What's going on now isn't something I ever anticipated and you'd think by now I'd learn to stop expecting and just roll with it. I think the best way to sum it up is "the more things change, the more they stay the same." Yeah...